Random Writings

Mobile Gamers Upset at Being Treated like Second Class Gamers

by Dra McQueen

A group, Mobile Gamers Matter, is protesting what they called “Second Class Citizen Status” among the gaming community. “We demand to be treated with respect and dignity,” says Arthur Heer, MGM’s spokesperson, “We demand coequal consideration with the so called ‘hardcore gamers.'”

When asked for their feedback a King spokesman responded by saying, “Yeah, right.” They then filed copyright for the term Mobile Gamers Matter and sued the gamers for infringement.

Disney Interactive, for their part, was more receptive. Their spokeswoman said, “To commemorate how much we appreciate our mobile customers we are releasing on all platforms a trophy celebrating mobile gamers. It can be purchased for just $1.99.”

The MGM crowd for their part were scheduled to demonstrate in front of the Super Cell Headquarters but no showed up when when an ad featuring Arnold Schwarzenegger was released announcing Mobile Strike- Nuclear Holocaust release the day of the protest.

New Battlefield set to have Improved Game Experience Unlockables

EA has announced that the next installment of their ever popular Battlefield will feature the ability to unlock, for a very small fee, extra features in their game. “You’ll totally be able to play it all the way through without it, but if you want, I don’t know, a cool heat sinking rocket launcher, improved tactical gear, or any automatic weapons, it’ll be available for just a small transaction cost,” a spokesman for EA stated. “We are excited at such an amazing opportunity this innovation creates for our players.”

When asked about the limited player experience, the spokesperson stated, “Well, all pistols are totally unlocked from the very beginning. And, with our new added system of Duty Chits, you can unlock most every weapon and piece of gear on your own.” The spokesperson also confirmed that this extended to both online and single player missions. There was no comment on the length of time that was expected to take to unlock items.

“Basically, it’s our best idea ever,” said a Visceral Games executive, who is expected to do a significant amount of the development, in an off the record discussion. “EA loves it, so we all get fat bonuses. We may even let the testing monk-er…quality assurance people have a pizza or something. Probably something cheap, like Little Caesars.”

Within 12 seconds of the announcement, Reddit had down voted the announcement 1.4 million times, a new record.

BREAKING: PlayerUnknown Not Actually Unknown!

by Ho Lee Hiel

The developer of popular multiplayer online battle royale game PlayerUnkown’s Battle Ground, or PUBG, is not actually unknown. Following our staff’s extensive research, it was discovered that “PlayerUknown” is actually known as Brendan Greene. This developer, at one point actually shrouded in mystery, is not coming to light and shaking the foundation of the gaming world’s faith in anonymity.

“It’s like, who can be anonymous anymore?” says Trollzmyteam123, “If you can’t even really be a PlayerUknown, they may even out griefers and trolls…not that I have anything to worry about.”

When asked for comment, Mr Greene attempted to misdirect the issue, telling us, “It’s on f***ing Wikipedia, how can you be so stupid?”

When asked if this changes their opinion of the gaming developer, most of the community seemed apathetic. One representative PUBG player told us, “What do I care? I just want to be able to actually beat Dr. Disreprespect.”

Clearly, the PUBG community is not aware of the implications. Everything it is founded on in is a LIE! If we cannot believe that PlayerUnknown is actually unknown, can we believe that the Level 3 helmet is actually level 3? How do we know that is really a school and not some strange cult temple? Be warned, Mr. Greene, we at the Daily Rager will continue to watch you and out any of these other secrets…

New Assassin’s Creed game so buggy it Initiated SkyNet.

By J.K. Guise

We are all familiar with some of gamings more colorful bugs, but what is being called the Magnum Opus of bugs was unleashed by the latest installment of the Assassin’s Creed franchise. A Ubisoft spokesperson today announced that, through a series of strange bugs, the new Assassin Creed Modern Warfare has unleashed SkyNet. “So, yeah, really sorry about that,” said a spokeswoman at a press conference.

When asked at what point society could expect murder machines and nuclear annihilation, the spokeswoman said, “Oh, we have at least a month or two. It’ll take it that long to get to connect to the internet without crashing, so there is that. On the otherhand, many users have complained of the crashing, so we are in discussion of a patch to improve user experience. It’s a tough decision. After all utter annihilation through a robot apocalypse is bad, but we at Ubisoft also pride ourselves at being responsive to our player base. So its a trade off.”

The US Military stated they were optimistic that they could withstand the onslaught of mechanized and digital death for a number of months. “Unless we don’t finish up the 3 year acquisition process for anti machine weaponry,” stated a pentagon spokesperson. The NSA simply sent an email stating, “Situation normal, disregard SkyNet threat but please download the below attachment.”

Editos note: We at The Daily Rager welcome our new robot overlords. Please be advised that we here can be very useful at rounding up meat bags and you should kill us last.

New Study: 86% of Sims Players are Sociopaths

By Dra McQueen

We have all heard the debate about gaming and increasing sociopathic tendencies. Whether it is TV pundits making grand statements about games they have never seen, attorneys trying to tie shootings to video games, or even game developers really trying to cement the narrative, there is a lot of people who claim that video games are correlated to violence. However, a new study does a lot to demonstrate some actual sociopathic tendencies, but it comes from a surprising quarter: The Sims gaming community.

The study comes out of UCLA and conducted its research through a combination of surveys and game play observation. Gamers answered questions about their typical game play beliefs, most importantly a full 89% agree that their sims had “wants, needs and desires similar to real people.” What followed was a gruesome testimony about how people treat these real “wants, needs and desires.”

“I was quite shocked by the behaviors displayed,” said Dr. RC Kola. “We expected to see some negative tendencies, but the level was staggering.” The study followed the actual in game behaviors of players and made note of at least 3 significant anti-social actions on the part of players.

Intentionally setting their Sims up to light themselves and/or loved ones on fire was the first observed behavior, though occurred in a relatively minor amount of times despite its statistically significant rate. Dr. Kola stated that about 27% of players engaged in this behavior, usually in conjunction with not allowing proper access to emergency response services. Players were observed giggling at their Sims’ antics as they and/or their things burned.

Second, isolation and deprivation of necessary facilities was highly significant in its number of occurrences. A full 53% of players would intentionally set up their Sims without any access to beds and/or toilets. Players frequently laughed uncontrollably as their Sims soiled themselves then passed out on the floor. “Disturbing” was the term used in the study.

Finally, and perhaps most surprising, outright murder was the most common occurrence with 69% of players intentionally drowning theirs Sims. This disturbing behavior was apparently done mainly out of a cold blooded calculus. “Most players decided that a Sim did not fit the household or had a personality that they deemed inappropriate,” Dr. Kola stated, and then shuddered a little and continued, “We find more emotional response in farmers culling a diseased piglet than these players.”

Pundits from all 3 major cable news networks immediately called for a ban on this “dark and disturbing game.” Senators Feinstein (D) and Flake (R) have called for a congressional investigation into the evils of this “depraved murder simulator.”

Catching up with Shroud

by Ho Lee Hiel

In August of this year Michael Grzesiek, more commonly known as Shroud of Cloud9’s CS:GO team, surprised many with his announcement that he would retire from active participation in the team and instead focus on streaming full time. While many had speculated that, at 23, shroud might have been feeling his age, others wondered if there were other reasons. To find the inside scoop, The Daily Rager went to Canada to ask him ourselves.

Our interview was held at an upscale restaurant. Shroud himself showed up driving a brand new BMW Z4. He looked well and relaxed, and was cordial to our interviewed. When asked what lead him to change from a full time competitive gamer to streamer, Shroud said, “The lifestyle, you know, I get to relax, play the games I want. I see my son and hang out with my girlfriend a lot more. I also get to interact with the subscriber community more.” He then ordered a $150 meal. When our interviewer declined purchasing anything, Shroud insisted he would cover it. (and a good thing he did, I was thinking of paying my writers this month and that would have blow it. -ed).

Shroud then said, “I also appreciate all I can do now.”

When asked about the explosive growth of his Twitch subscriber base, Shroud was modest and said, “I’ve got a great community. I really love them, and they are fun. They are what makes it all worth it.”

When asked if he’s noticed anything different about streaming vs playing with a team, he said, “Well, there’s my great subscriber community, interacting more with other gamers who aren’t just focused on the competitive scene, and the ability to shop in my free time.” He then showed us his new Rolex as an example.

When asked what he missed most he said, “I don’t know, maybe some of the guys I played with were pretty cool. It was a very difficult transition, but I’ve got some cool people now, especially my subscribers.” He continued to reiterate how much he appreciated the help of his subscribers with the transition.

At the conclusion of our interview Shroud appeared to begin looking up beach front properties for sale in Bora Bora on Zillow.

Editors Note: For full disclosure, it should be noted the editor has been a frequent viewer and at least one time subscriber to Shroud.

People’s Republic of Korea Wins Defense of the Elderly Championship, Supreme Leader MVP

by Warren Peace

According to Korean Central News Agency, The People’s Republic of Korea’s (North Korea) Nuclear Soliders has won the “Defense of the Elderly” 2017 International. While it is uncertain what this means, many speculate it is a translation error, and they mean the popular Defense of the Ancients 2 (DOTA) MOBA. The News Agency praised the team, as well as their “Complete and utter annihilation of the corrupt and incompetent US teams Cloud9 and Evil Geniuses.”

The story went on to note that King Jong Un was dubbed the MVP for his “amazing coaching” and “inspirational leadership.” The news agency also labelled the Nuclear Soldiers as “one of the great patriots serving the Supreme Leader and demonstrating yet again the inspirational undertakings that the 21st Century Army of Korea can do to destroy not only the lives of the enemy, but also their hearts and spirits.”

Final score had the “Nuclear Soliders” at a perfect winning streak, and the final match between the North Korean Team and Evil Geniuses was reportedly 139 kills NS to 0 kills EG.

Experts believe this is pure propaganda citing, among other things, the history of the Korean Central News Agency to function as propaganda, the miss-titling of the game, the lack of any known North Korean teams, and the announcement being made at least 3 months after the The International 2017 for DOTA 2. When asked for comment an Evil Geniuses spokesperson remarked, “In what fantasy does North Korea even have enough computers to field a team, much less win anything?” He did respond wistfully, “I do wish we could say we made it to the Grand Finals though…”

When actual 2017 Grand Champions, Team Liquid, was asked for comment the only reply was an e-mail that said, “LOL.”

Gamers Reportedly Involved in Prostituion

The following article comes from CBS News:

As allegations have racked the entertainment industry, CBS News has uncovered allegations that the MOBA “League of Legends” is being used as a front for prostituting a young child. Reports indicate that one young child of about pre-school age named “Annie” has been prostituted for years. Our investigative reporter has interviewed some of the alleged abusers. Be warned, the following reports are disturbing…

My research has uncovered that Annie is called by many a “Champion,” presumably for her ability to withstand such abuse for so long and still keep her optimism and cheerful demeanor. This all despite numerous reports that Annie is the victim of prostitution. CBS News has become aware that one “LS” is a reported pimp for Annie. This writer caught up with LS at his Twitch channel. He was willing to answer questions, but only after I paid him $100.00. LS assured us that the paying him would not interfere with his ability to be honest with us.

When asked about alleged “pimping of Annie,” LS did not deny it, and replied, “Hell yes I pimp her out, have you seen her? Look, your totally new to League, right? I see your OP.GG, you need to start somewhere, and Annie is totally easy. And let me tell you, there’s nothing easier than blowing your load with Annie.” He then said, “Also, try Soraka, she’s totally good for those who get off on other’s suffering” and apparent reference to a sado-masochistic sexual philia.

LS then proceed to mock me for playing Riven and Yasuo, despite the fact that we are very good at them. I explained that it was our noob teammates. By his response, this writer can assure you that the $100 fee did not keep LS from being honest about his feelings.

Pursuing this story further, this reporter found a frequent user of Annie’s “services” one Jared who apparently goes by the name “Annie’s Butt” and streams his escapades on the popular streaming services Twitch. While we were unable to secure our interview, he did respond to a series of donations made during his live stream.

When asked about his obsession with Annie, Jared replied, “Uh, well, yeah, I like her. Look, I’m Master with her” an apparent reference domination sexual fantasy. Jared continued to elaborate on how he was “played” her “virtually every day, usually several times.” When asked if he felt ashamed that get off sexually on exploiting children he replied, “What the hell? You’re a pervert…mods, can you ban this guy?”

Dra McQueen edited this article for adaptation to the Daily Rager

Exclusive- StarCraft is Gaming Industry Allegory

by Huma Niety

The Daily Rager has discovered that the ground breaking RTS video game StarCraft has an underlying subtext woven into the game. According to our sources, Chris Metzen one of the games creators conceived of it after a night of drunken revelry with co-creator, James Phinney, and Mr. Metzen began calling video game giant, Electronics Arts (EA), a “piece of s*** plague on the gaming world, consuming and creating monsters out of those it consumes. Mr. Phinney agreed, and they raged about how the only thing stopping it was the beautiful and powerful work of Blizzard Entertainment.

The next day, after recovering from a rather huge hangover, the two looked at some note scrawled on the back of a pizza box about the horrible monsters, the heroic opponents, and cobbled together group not quite as good as the other two, it hit the men that they had a great basis for a video game. And the rest, as they say, was history. As anyone who is anyone knows, StarCraft is one of the greatest video games ever created, and anyone who disagrees can go take a long walk off a short pier.

When asked for comment, a Blizzard spoke person said, “We can neither confirm nor deny how the creative process of Mr Phinney and some guy worked. That said, if that were true, obviously Blizzard would be the Protoss because we are awesome.” An off the record interview with an employee also stated that Blizzard got the idea for Dragoons from its own practice of hooking employees up to life support equipment in their cubicle in order to ensure games are completed in no more than 3 years past their release date.

When asked for a comment from EA, a senior official stated demonization of his company was uncalled for. They were a loving company that cared for the gaming industry and nurtured it. He further added that he would love to see the whole of the gaming industry fall under EA’s “benevolent rule”, calling EA a “family that loves one another.” He then signed orders close developer BioWare and called a consultant about exploring options to buy Obsidian Entertainment.

Gabe Newell Suffers Rare Neurological Disorder

by Warren Peace

Gabe Newell, co-founder and president of Valve Corporation, reportedly suffers from a rare neurological disorder, according to reports received by the Daily Rager. While the name of this disorder is unknown (mainly due to the author this piece not being able to spell it. -ed) it apparently effect the area of the brain that is responsible for numbers and counting. The condition is apparently genetically based, and effects only 2 out 222 million people.

The Daily Rager consulted with a neurologist to discuss the condition. Though initially reluctant, Dr. Praxis agreed to provide information to us after we purchased him 4 beers at the West Side Brewery. According to Dr. Praxis the disorder’s effect on the brain is to limit the brain’s ability to process any number after 2. Outside of this highly unusual disability, it has no known other effect. In fact, Dr Praxis informs us that it may actually be one of the least interesting of neurological disorders, and he went on to give us an indepth description of some really “freaky s**t” that is not relevant to this report.

We reached out to parties close to Newell and were able to speak to his former partner, Mike Harrington. Mr. Harrington stated, “I always enjoyed work with [Mr. Newell] but it was always weird that he could not see beyond the second step in things.” Mr. Harrington also emphasized that this quirk extended beyond his professional life, and we speculate may have been a source of tension between the two and why he ended up leaving Valve to pursue other interests.

We also spoke to Scott Lynch, COO of Valve. While he refused to comment directly on the alleged condition, he stated “Gabe is one of my favorite people to work with…it is unfortunate that any time we suggest a 3rd edition of a title he flies into a rage and ends up doing a WWE style power bomb on someone, but hey, that’s why we keep interns around, you know?” He denies any attempts to oust Mr. Newell saying, “You don’t kill the goose that lays the gold egg just because it’s got a broken wing! And, well, you know he owns this company right?”

When we called Mr. Newell his only statement, was “What? I can’t hear you over the sound of all this money pouring in! Call back after the Steam sale.”