Random Writings

Strange Phenomenon Causing Some Gamers to Re-Live the 1990s

by J.K. Guise

Many gamers are surprised to find themselves apparently stuck in a time loop. The temporal effect curves time back in on itself, creating a repeat experience and it totally due to quantum. This particular loops is particularly cruel in that it appears to that most if not all middle aged gamers are re-experiencing the 90s.

“And not even the cool part where I saw Smashing Pumpkins in concert or got it on with that chick afterwards,” says on gamer. “It’s just ‘video game addiction‘ and ‘video games cause violence‘ and ‘we should censor video games‘ and ‘won’t someone think of the kids!’ I’m just waiting to see Jack Thompson on TV to make it complete.”

The phenomenon is widespread. Unsuspecting gamers throughout have begun wearing unbuttoned flannel shirts from Urban Outfitters, baggy pants and listening to alternative rock music. Gamers that are female have found it hard to even get people to believe that they exist. Instead, most insist they are probably boys or men pretending to be girls. However, some women report this is a normal occurrence and not part of the time loop.

Though scientists have pointed to the SNES Classic as the start, inducting “some type of quantum,” most of the gaming community is sure there can be only one culprit. “It’s EA, it has to be,” says one gamer, “They’ve managed to f*** up Star Wars so they’re trying to re-do it all and get us back to loving them.”

“Yeah, it’s gotta be EA,” says another, “They hate us all, you can tell by the way that do Battlefront, Sims and all that s**t. Who else could treat us like this?”

A spokesperson for Electronic Arts stated, “If EA could control time we would not be looping through the 90s. Are you crazy? We can do so many more diabo- I mean profitable things with time control!”

Interview with a Sim

The following is an interview done with your Sim-

Interviewer (I): So, tell us what it’s like to be a sim.

Sim (S): Bubeda nadeesh, doodah trodash eeluka. Socka moo deedup banglush veera tunka miadlu.

I: So, it’s safe to say you overall are pleased with how things are?

S: Fretishe bieln zoobaten. Houpa duma dreg salish. Looka dungledorish aerwist dope ba pangooku. Domist da bruva doo. Jowllein zi quira jupa nit. Etoo wompf es fredesche. Sameh to dida. Bush keepa, dome pillga.
I: -laughs- I guess that makes sense. So, what would you say are some of your biggest struggles?

S: Etoo donda pooli ompfed. Neeshga trug doofd nah poolu. Oobin, doob trakie doogit nah pananat dis turbedi tal dinga fa. Pobin mawt riffen dodonga pilart vert gwanda frult. Obit topenga ahrlug drioml. Horfin dopliget serx jugli dafin warbug seban polert.

I: We have to take advantage of the moment we all have before they are gone.

S: Pidunit! Rehid slowpi mahr dulgid. Vert gwandat topenga ba pangooki. Bruva jupa dida saltagnis blark boninga. Wobin dylgin girgil defurtes. Meil subin poolu pananat dopliget serx pillga keepa. Homa yifilgi.

I: So, where do you see yourself in 5 years?

S: Polgonic mose blursh sufin! -both laugh- Sobin olzfarugama dilneig fa paliteya topenga pilart socka. Hopa blark doob sameh.

I: Any thing else you would like everyone to know?

S: Somata, no simlishinga. Somana di etoo donda doob turedi.

I: Thank you so much for your time. We hope to see you doing well in the future, and good luck on your aspirations.

S: Vadish! Nama poltiz.

Rumor: Grand Theft Auto is going to Debase Women and go PC

by Warren Piece

Rumors have surfaced that the latest Grand Theft Auto game will have female protagonists. As could be expected by such a controversial news, there has been much outrage. According to one scientific poll, nearly half of the respondents either would not buy such a game, or would buy it but believed it was suck. Such perspectives are, of course, understandable, but the Daily Rager has taken time to get some of the individuals unique perspectives on it.

“I’m concerned,” says one gamer, who wished to remain anonymous. “This move will undermine women, it debases them to such a degree. I hate to see that happen. I mean, yeah, sure, you already can solicit prostitutes then beat them with baseball bats to get your cash back. That’s one thing. But you going to cross into whole new territory in making the crazy psycho who steals cars and blows s**t up a woman.”

Another gamer took a completely different approach, “There’s a certain persona that goes with being a street criminal. I mean, they can do stripper, and hookers. I think they even once did a Mafioso wife, right? But can they really make someone who fits the person of a criminal type who cracks heads? I seriously doubt it.”

When asked about his favorite game in the franchise, he stated GTA 3 was probably his favorite, “Good game play, awesome antagonist, you know? I hated Catalina. She was a great opponent.”

“This s**t will ruin games with the PC bulls**t!” yet another commentator says. “Look, PC, gender equality, whatever the f**k else the libtards send our way, is ruining games. Forcing me to use a woman to mow down pedestrians in my stolen cop car is just giving into the bleeding heart. I can’t really take serious a girl committing casual murder of a cop for his pistol. It’ll totally ruin the immersion as I wait the couple of minutes to
lose the wanted heat.”

Update: When asked for opinions about favorability of the game if female protagonist could still hire female prostitutes and hook up with female companions support for
female poll numbers shifted to a 79% approval rating for female protagonist.

Point-Counterpoint: Games Lead to Violence v. Shut up and kill yourself, I’m fing s up over here!

Unless you live under a rock, you know we are once again debating evil, it’s cause, and how to stop it. While questions of policy on fire arms, school security, and how much 17 year olds are free thinkers vs useful tools in political debate are being debated on much less prestigious news sites, the Daily Rager is taking on the meat of the issue: Video Games and Violence.

Some have attempted to answer the question with an analysis of science. At the Daily Rager, however, we prefer to let experts debate the topic.

Our Point is brought by Joffrey Dougmoore, PhD. and our counter-point by gamer whose preferred handle is CapnYoA$$. The following debate was held over discord.

Point: Every time something of this magnitude happens, mass shooting of innocent people, we find out that person at least once played video games! The correlation is extremely concerning. That’s why I’m proposing a 17 point proposal to congress to regulate and outright ban some video games, require 3 types of photo ID to purchase anything beyond E for…

Counter-Point: Dude, can you shut the f*** up! Go Kill Yourself, your interrupting my game of Fortnite!

Point: See, this is just the negative, anti-social behavior you can expect from to much exposure to video games. If you fear for your children and need help, please call my office to join our cause at 888-2…

Counter-Point: (noise of loud banging) F***! That noob a** b**** f***ing blew my head off. Now, I have to buy a new f***ing mouse! What are you talking about? Oh yeah. Look, I may have a temper, but it’s cool cause I only break my mouse and no one has to worry about it.

Point: Property destruction, see, this poor young man cannot control his temper after countless year of gaming destroying his mind.

Counter-Point: Hey man, I’m a girl.

Point: Oh, well…uh

Counter-Point: I mean, I know my mic sucks, but don’t be a sexist f***er, okay?

Point: Right, well, this girl clearly developing a case of Video Game induced anti-social personality disorder. We need to keep our children like her away…

Counter-Point: F*** you, I’m 29. I’m also gainfully employed as a social worker, so don’t try that s*** on me.

Point: Uh, well…

Counter-Point: Now, are we done, or do I have to come over there and beat the s*** out of you…haha that’s a joke.

Point: Well, just so you know professionals like me believe…

Counter-Point: What’s your PhD in by the way?

Point: What?

Counter-Point: You said professionals like you, what’s your PhD in?

Point: Well, uh, Ethno-Cultural Performance with a specialization on the Inuit traditions.

Counter-Point: Are you s***ing me? F*** you man, you don’t know s***. I deal with violent little b*****s all day at work. I blow off steam by blowing up other b******s heads off online and imagining specific kids. Does that make me violent? Who the f*** knows? But I know one things, you don’t!

Point: Well, you just admitted to imagining violence on others!

Counter-Point: I swear b****, I will come over there and beat you silly. F*** this, I’m getting back to my game.

All Time Record for Pre-Order Sales Broken

by Ho Lee Hiel

In a surprising turn of events, it appears that a new video game soon to be released by Private Division, a subsidiary of Take-Two Interactive, has broken all time record for pre-order sales. What’s surprising to many is the subject matter: My Little Pony. While exact data on record pre-order is hard to locate, a spokesperson for Private Division stated, “We’re pretty sure 25 million is a record, and it’s climbing fast.”

The game is a multi-platform RPG/adventure game featuring the main characters of the cartoon series “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.” The series is famous for being intended for children, stereotypically girls, but having a surprising number of adult male fans, termed “bronies.” These men are often very open about their enjoyment of the show, and defend it as perfectly normal enjoyment of high quality story telling.

It is believed this group is the primary driver of such prolific sales.

While details of the games full game and story are not fully known as of yet, rumors swirl surrounding the game. Many have expressed excitement at the rumor of having the full cast available for game play. Others are insistent full exploration of the entire world of Equestria.

The most bizarre rumor is the presence of a full on sexual material reminiscent of the notorious adult themed “eroge” games.

When asked, many bronies seem taken aback about questions about sex in My Little Pony. “Look, yeah, I’ve heard about it, but that’s not why I ordered the game,” says redditor PinkiePiesStud, “I just want to be able to play Pinkie Pie through the whole game experience…”

“Look, just because I enjoyed Princess Molestia doesn’t mean I’m ordering just so I can do sex scenes with Celestia,” says another bronies who goes by UnihornyforPonies, “But, well…nevermind.”

Thus far Private Division has not officially acknowledged whether there is such a scene or not.

Rainbow Six and Division have Novelized Spinoffs

By J.K. Guise

If you’re a gamer even somewhat interested in the action genre you have definitely heard of Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six, Tom Clancy’s The Division, Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell, and Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon. These popular titles have their lovers and haters, but no one can doubt that they are high profile games. After some extensive research, the Daily Rager has discovered that the titular Tom Clancy has bridged off from game development, and introduced novelizations of his games and even more expanded universes.

The story of this discovery starts when one of our team was perusing the local library and found on the shelf a book entitled “Rainbow Six” by Tom Clancy. Amused, our staff member picked up the novel and used it to do some research. It turns out Clancy has created a whole gamut of books. While the lead character in the novel in question has multiple books, the universe itself expands out to twenty four titles, some written by the game developer, others by authors expanding upon his work.

Beyond that, Clancy himself has apparently has dozens of more works by himself and by authors working under him. If you have found the games fun, and enjoy their spy thriller themes, the Daily Rager highly recommends you follow up on these works. We encourage other game developer to also follow his lead and try their hands at writing. You might come up with good things.

But don’t write another Net Force if you don’t understand the internet, please.

So, You Need a New Personal Trainer?

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WHO identifies Gaming Disorder, Gamers declare they can quit whenever they want.

by P.N. Guinn

The World Health Organization has rolled out a Beta Definition for a new disorder: Gaming Disorder. Though currently in its Beta status, the intent is clearly present to release the disorder in the upcoming ICD-11. This has provoked much conversation within the gaming and medical community.

Dr. Dyat Pepa tells us that, “The medical, and especially the psychiatric community, is concerned by the emergence of sometimes intense behavioral issues surrounding gaming without regard to social or economic consequences.” Dr. Pepa was quick to add, “Most consumers of video gamers would not qualify, this is for those experiencing some pretty intense consequences.”

While some responses have been fairly well reasoned to the idea of a mental health disorder related to video games, others have responded with strong hostility. A gamer, whose in game name for PUBG is “PlayzAllDayzandNitez” tells us, “Look, this is just a way to trivialize real disorders. So what if I play 14 to 18 hours a day? I stream, and make at least $1,400 a month between that and my unemployment insurance, it’s totally supporting me as a job. Why, I could cut down to 10 or even 8 hours a day, but my income would drop, you know?”

Another gamer who goes by the name of Onesh0t1Kil1 in CS:GO told the Daily Rager, “Look, I play a lot, so what’s the big deal? I can totally cut out my time if I wanted to. I just don’t want to. That’s why I dumped my girl friend, she said it was me or games. Sometimes I miss her, but then I just play some times, but then I forget about it while taking down some terrorists. Now f**k off, you’re keeping me from my match.”

Others were even more blunt, “Look, I’m a RPG fan. I don’t have to play them, I could find other hobbies, but why? Games work for me. Now I need to split, I need to donate some plasma in preparation for the Steam sale.” Or the gamer who told us, “F**k doctors and f**k you, I’m not an addict, my Sims just love me more than real people. Why wouldn’t I spend all my time with them?”

Obviously there will continue to debate from the community, and the Daily Rager will continue to follow this story. But really, we need to get back to Rocket League, we’re starting to get the shakes…

North Korea Sweeps Over Watch League

Ho Lee Hiel contributed to this article.

Korean Central News Agency reports that the Pyongang Nuclear Soldiers, the People’s Republic of Korea’s esports team, has once again swept an esports league, this time the Over Watch League. Per the report, the North Korean champions handily beat New York Excelsior, “clearly proving the superiority of the brave men of the Korean people and their ability to triumph over the greedy capitalists of New York, America!”

As has been the custom, Kim Jong Un was awarded MVP both for his “outstanding play, featuring an amazing K/D Ration of 238, and his “inspirational leadership and coaching.” The Supreme Leader apparently played nothing but Genji the entire time, though most had suspected he would main either Road Hog due to his ability to identify with the character or Pharah due to his penchant for rockets.

When asked for comments a spokewoman from Blizzard Entertainment stated, “We are not aware of anything compute related but hacking coming out of Pyongang.”

The New York Excelsior’s spokesman stated, “I would love to see the North Korean’s play in OWL. After all, they might actually get a decent meal while in Los Angeles.”

Man Marries his Sim

by Warren Piece

Sims is one of the great games of the 21st Century. While not everyone agrees it is positive, it is hard to dispute its legacy. The Sims has introduced nuances to people’s lives, allowed exploration of architecture and design, and even introduced one couple to their future spouse. Now, it has introduced another.

Meet George (name changed due to his request for privacy). George was your average young adult struggling to find his place. He decided not to go to college, so work at a local bank as a teller. For a while he lived with his parents and then saved up money to put down on a house that he now owns. He also played the Sims over his evenings and weekends, which lead to a life changing circumstance.

“It all started after I broke up with Jennifer, my girlfriend,” George says. “I was just devastated so I kind of escaped into the Sims. After a few days I realized my newest Sim, Genifer, was so hot. She was my ideal woman, and more beautiful than any girl I had ever met. Plus, she had the best personality, and quickly landed a high paying job. So I thought, why not marry her?”

Now, many people may object to the concept, “and boy did my parents!” relates George. However, this apparently falls into a grand tradition of non-typical marriages. One woman, for example, married a ghost. Or meet another person who married their cats. George says that non-traditional marriages are becoming more and more common, and besides he loves his Sim and she loves him. “Genifer is the love of my life,” he declares, while staring approvingly at his monitor.

When asked about the expected life discrepancy, given the relatively short life expectancy of a Sim compared to his George seems to be at peace with it. “Look, lots of people throughout time have dealt with widowhood, I’ll be no different. And it’ll be great while it lasted,” his says with a a slightly sad smile, “Besides, it’ll keep things from getting cold to early.”

*UPDATE: George reported to us that he has divorced Genifer upon finding out she was flirting with other Sims. He stated he attempted to get her to stop, but whenever he went to town with other Sims he would find her there flirting up all the other Sims.