Random Writings

Completionist Struggling to Complete Everything

by Warren Piece

It started for Maximus Fine at age 10 when he managed to hit 100% on Super Mario World. “That thrill was more than I expected, seeing that completion. It kind of got me hooked,” Max tells the Daily Rager. “From there, I was a completionist through and through, and 100% Completionist!”

Whether it was GTA:3 100% completion, having max stats and achieved every job on the Sims, or getting every single achievement on the Assassin Crreds games, Max has done it all. “I just cannot let go, I get a massive rush for having got those things done. It’s amazing.” Not everything has been fun, for Max though. “Man, I hate World of Warcraft. Every time I max out every class and every race, they release a new expansion and there’s 10 more levels!”

That frustration, though, was nothing compared to what happened to Max when he was met with a stunning revelation. “I hadn’t been completing everything in real life!” Max relates.

The epiphany shook Max’s world. “I completed everything in games, but my real life was only somewhat complete,” he says, trembling in his voice. “So I started buckling down.”

Currently, Max is obsessively taking every class at his 5 time alma mater, University of Colorado. “I’ve received 5 degrees, but I’m still not even half way through!” the 34 year old related. “And that’s just the undergraduate courses!”

To maximize time, Max also works two jobs, one at a fast food restaraunt the other at a local bank. “I hit manager of a McDonald’s, so that’s knocked out. Just two weeks ago I moved over to entry at Wendy’s. I’m currently stuck as a Client Service Officer at Bank of America. I’m not really sure how to knock this out and move up to the next tier yet. I’m doing some research though.”

Max admits this has added stress on his life, “Do you realized Call of Duty: WWII has 50 achievements, and Battlefront II has 40? I finally realized that I can get most of it done with 4 hours of sleep and a steady stream of Monster and Coffee.” That said, he does say there’s been some pay off, “Before I had two jobs, it was hard to afford all the games. Now I bring in some sweet bank to pay for my stimulants and my games!”

Unfortunately, the interview had to be ended when Max had a mild heart attack and the Daily Rager had to call an ambulance.

Exclusive: Gaming Companies Primary Goal is to Make Money

by Barry Ungary

We at the Daily Rager believe whole heartedly in the gamers’ experience being the primary motivator in the industry. We pull no punches in critiquing and exposing the torridness of the gaming industry. That said, even we were shocked to find that the gaming industry, as an absolute whole, puts one thing at the top of its priorities: making a profit!

It all started at a party where we ran into Riot Bubobubo, we asked what he understood the primary goal of Riot Games to be. He floored us by saying, “To make money by providing an awesome gaming experience.” When asked to clarify he stated, “Yeah, well, if there’s no profit, we can’t make the game. So, we need to make money to make games.” He tried to back pedal some by adding, “So you provide an amazing experience, and things they want, and gamers pay for it.” When asked why he put profits above gamers he became defensive and stated, “Look, we are gamers, we love the game. But in the end, if we can’t pay the bills, we can’t spend the time building the game.”

Shocked, we started on a journey to uncover whether this mindset extended beyond Riot. When we reached out to Activision Blizzard, a spokesman told us, “We are committed to providing gamers with world class games for a fair price. Making profits enables us to continue making games, and keeps Activision Blizzard in the development and production game, pun intended.” When asked to confirm or deny that watching the bottom line was the number one priority, the spokesman stated, “Well, yes, obviously if our games are not making a profit that’s a concern.” Like the Rioter we spoke to, they also defended their stance, stating, “No profits means we are failing to meet the demands of the gaming community, and so profits become a way to benchmark how successful we are at providing gamers an enjoyable experience.”

We asked some developers, and in an off the record interview with an Rockstar Games executives, we were told, “Of course its ultimately about the money, why the h*** else would we be called a game development ‘company’? You want charity, go to the d*** Salvation Army.” He added, “Look, people buy what they like. If they want 67 iterations of driving over hookers and blowing up cars, they’ll buy it and we’ll keep making it. When they stop wanting that, we will quit making it.”

We thought about contacting EA, but then realized we already knew their answer.

Almost all Games Further the Patriarchy vs. Get Back in the Kitchen

Today’s column is a debate between two self-identified gamers: GamHer and Trolo1o69 on sexism and gaming today.

GamHer(GH): Listen, games are, almost by definition, sexist aggression handed down by the patriarchy. First video game? Made by a man. Most games? Lead by heteronormative cisgendered males. The whole thing has been a cesspool. There have been some bright stars, like Zoë Quinn, but if it wasn’t lead and developed by mostly women, it’s definitely sexist. And if you bought a game headed by a straight cis-gendered male, you are sexist.

Trolo1o69 (Tr): LOL, stupid broad, who let you out of the kitchen? I’m totally just joking, but really games are fine. I mean, look at games like Bayonetta and Dead or Alive, definitely some high quality portrayals of women. What we need is the crazy feminazis to go back to top less protests instead of banging betas at Kotaku.

GH: Are you even human? Women’s rights took a step back just in me reading your drivel. Look, games should empower girls, not make them feel like they have to be pretty and strong. Frankly, we need to get rid of all the thin fat shaming bodies too. Fat is beautiful and we need to quit making people think that being fat is unhealthy or something. In fact, there’s also not enough gay females, who needs a male?

Tr: I can totally get behind more lesbians. Bikini or cat suit clad preferrably. Really, though, why can’t you be happy with the affirmative action jobs you girls already get?

GH: Oh my God I can’t even! Women don’t need this, in fact, women don’t even need men at all. I have started an online petition to have all women boycott games until the big gaming companies hire 75% female senior leadership.

Tr: What, why stop there, why not 100% women employees in all companies?

GH: Well that’s not until phase 2…

Tr: Wow, you are a crazy b**** aren’t you?

GH: You’re a pig. Where did you guys find this guy?

Tr: Hey, after this is over, could I get your email or phone number? We could hang out sometime, maybe get dinner together?

GH: ….

Summit1g Announces 2020 Candidacy for President

Following successful bids by previous entertainers, Twitch streamer Summit1g announced his intention to run for US President. The announcement came on his stream one day, when asked a question regarding his viewership, believed by many to be one of the highest individuals on Twitch, he stated, “Yeah, I’m f***ing bigger that the president. I should run.”

While the announcement was originally taken as a joke, rumors are flying that Summit1g has secured election attorneys, political consultants Brad and Dallas Woodhouse. Hiring the famously rival siblings signals he is likely coming in as an independent candidate with broad appeal. No news yet about Summit’s likely political platforms, but he did state he is accepting suggestions via Twitch donations.

While the announcement is considered surprising by many, some pollsters are already finding a strong showing in the polls. Summit poll 10 points above current President Donald Trump, as well as 12 to 18 points ahead of various expected Democrat contenders Elizabeth Warren, Corey Booker and Kristen Gillibrand. While polls this early not considered a solid indicator, they are promising to the streamer turned political hopeful.

Many pollsters stated that in the young adult and middle aged crowd Summit polled very well. There was one exception though, followers of Shroud were found to “favor every single person other than Summit1g at 74% other to 14% Summit1g.”

When Summit1g was asked about that polling he stated, “Yeah, well, for some reason everyone that hates me follows Shroud. It’s weird. Shroud had no comment.

Latest Star Wars Game a Literal Crap on Brand

by Ho Lee Hiel

The familiar music and large title open “STAR WARS” zooms. However, unlike the familiar movie opening which has the title continues to be followed by text it pauses. Then a sinister figure dressed and hooded in a black robed strides across the screen above the title, clearly a Sith Lord. It stops above the center of the words. It flips it’s hood back and it is…Darth Mickey?

Perplexed as we are, we watch as Darth Mickey squats, grunts and then a brown pile of excrement falls “splat” on the STAR WARS logo. Then it slowly moves away again, and what follows is not a texts, but what are best described as caricatures of the franchise’s fans. Figures dressed as characters, men and women with fandom shirts on, kids with toy light sabers. All getting the large brown Darth Dump dripping down on top of them.

This is the latest title produced by EA. A literal dump on the name and fans of Star Wars.

But the story is perhaps more entertaining. It all started in what an anonymous employee of Obsidian Entertainment, the developer of the “game”, says was a “drunken joke that went way farther than we imagined.” The employee, who wishes to remain anonymous to protect her and her colleagues reputations, told us. “We were all at a bar after we read the fall out from all the Battlefront stuff, and we talked about the total s**t fest Disney and EA have done with the games.”

Apparently, the concept of a s**t fest became fuel for a drunken story boarding session. “It all got a little hazy, but the next day I woke up with a huge hangover and a napkin with a storyboard, or something like one, of Mickey as a Sith Lord taking a ginormous crap on the Star Wars logo and dripping down on fans.”

Though it was a funny idea, it slowly morphed into something more. “I brought it with me to a staff meeting and tossed it on the table and we all had a good laugh,” she chuckles in remembrance, “But then someone made the statement, ‘You know, I bet we could get it by EA.’ Then the room got still. We all looked around as if thinking, ‘You know, we probably could.”

“I thought the idea would die there, but my manager came back later that week to me and said, ‘I told the joke to Feargus, and when he stopped laughing, he said he’s give whoever pitched it to EA a $1,000 bonus. He’d throw in a paid vacation to Hawaii if we got them to greenlight it.’ So at that point we decide, why the hell not?”

What came next was, “a journey so crazy, Alice in Wonderland has nothing on it.” They wrote a pitch and went to meet with a representative from EA. “We started in, and when they heard the insanely low price tag, the rep said, ‘Okay, great…now how well is it monetized?’ We stumbled for half a second but then my manager started off the top of his head saying, ‘Well, commiserate with the development cost we’re starting at $3.99. We think we can port it over to mobile and keep the price. But…that’s not the best part, we’re looking at microtransactions for palette swaps and skins. $1 to $3 a pop. And those skins are infinitely scalable.’ At the word microtransactions, the EA rep told us go ahead and build it, EA would publish it.”

“We really couldn’t believe it, and neither could Feargus. But when he got an official note that “STAR WARS: Revenge of the Dark Mouse” was a go, he told us that after launch, or even if EA got wise, we’d have a trip to Hawaii on him just for getting so far.” They quickly launched their anticipated 3 months development track, given the simplicity of the product.

Lucas Arts was no harder. Hearing EA signed off and that the plan would allow the some cross-branding with Disney products, the Lucas Arts representative stated, “Well, they did good with [Knights of the Old Republic 2]…though tell them they have to get the game done in a month and half.”

The final product has now hit PC, X-BOX One, PlayStation 4, the Apple Store and Google Play. Nintendo denied development for their product. Other Obsidian and EA representatives confirmed that the product has actually been a huge success, with over 1.2 million sales and rising. Also our sources indicate the most popular skins are selling quickly, with a skin changing the fans to Gungans and a swap of Darth Mickey to George Lucas being the two most popular.

“Not only do I have a vacation next week, we’re getting a bonus,” our source said while rolling her eyes in disbelief. “I’m pretty sure no one at EA or LucasArts even has seen the game, just the $ signs. What do you want to bet they’ll want a sequel?”

Architect Student Protesting Denial of Sims House for Masters Thesis

by P.N. Guinn

Daniel Attme, a student in the MS of Architecture at University of Virginia, has declared that program is biased against his preferred medium of work, The Sims 4. “Look, we design these things on computer programs, why can’t we build them?” the 23 year old tells the Daily Rager. He reports having spent the past year attempting to persuade his professors and his dean to let him work through the popular, though sinister, video game.

A spokesman for the University of Virginia declined to comment.

“Look, I have this sweet complex I’ve created on the Sims 4, and no cheats! I had to earn every penny,” Mr. Attme says, while showing us what is a really awesome and well designed house and supporting structures he created for his Sims. “Spending all this time developing this site really took times away from my classes, so my grades are suffering. But, if the idiot Dean doesn’t let me use this I’m toast. What will I do then?”

While many projects have been done in schools previously regarding video games, most have examined them through social effects. Works of violence, sexism, and education have all been popular mainstays of academic world. “My professors tell us to be creative, try something new! Well do that and see what you get…” Mr Attme shares.

In an off the record interview, one university staff members stated, “Look, Dan’s a nice guy, but he’s freaking bailing on all his class work. This is nothing but a kid trying to make up for the fact that he’s obsessed with video games. When I was his age we had to do this by hand and we f***ing loved it, none of this computer based s**t. I’ll have you know, I was a third runner up for a sky scraper in Dubai a few years back, I know what I’m talking about. This kid? He’s a game addict trying to pass off his play as work.”

Attme, for his part, states, “Look, games have made their way into main stream sports reporting. Games are used in the military. Why aren’t they open to it in architecture?”

Developer Replaces Entire QA Staff in 3 Hours

By Don Giev Asit

The day started off fairly poor for James Mason, QA Director for New Ages of Awesomeness Games. “I came in and found a bunch of the monkeys…I mean QA specialists stinking up my office door way. I had to febreeze this whole area! And they admitted to not have done any bug testing yet…”

But things soon got worse for Mason. “The ungrateful gremlins were telling me they wanted air conditioning, hourly bathroom breaks and no more then 3 people per 12 sqft office. Can you believe that?”

Mason then told us that, in the interest of peace and team harmony he did make a concession. “I offered to buy them a pizza, enough for each to get a slice. But no, they stated they would strike. One even mentioned a union.”

Mason leaned back and put his hands behind his head as he continues, “So I fired the whole QA department, then and there. Stupid simians think we’re going to air condition their rooms? They don’t have a server in there. But, you know, we now had a problem. We needed a couple of QA people.”

Acting quickly, Manson did a quick web search, grabbed a couple of security guards and jnaitors, and they all drove company vans to local high schools. “Then we just held up a sign that said ’18? Want to get a job playing video games every day? We are hiring for immediate positions!’ And after doing that during three different school lunch periods, we had a new QA staff.”

Mason then bought the new hires a couple of pizzas, did an hour of orientation, and he was all set. “Those kids are back in the closet, I mean offices now, testing out the 3,577,237 different equipment combinations right now to find bugs.”

Mason sighs and says, “Beautiful thing is, there’s dozens more to take these new vermins’ place when they don’t show tomorrow.”

Team Liquid Announces Hiring of Deep Blue

By J.K. Guise

Deep Blue made headlines over two decades ago for defeating Gary Kasprov chess grandmaster in a game of chess. Now it’s found new life on Team Liquid.

A spokeswoman said, “We are excited with this opportunity to attract a wider variety of players talent to join our team. Deep Blue will be a great asset and add a new dimension to our team’s ability.” The spokeswoman added that Deep Blue had been under going rigorous upgrades and had assured Team Liquid that it would be up to full competitive levels.

The spokeswoman added that Deep Blue would initially be part of Team Liquid’s Hearthstone line up, but were open to future options. “If Deep Blue manages to take on hearthstone, maybe we’ll try Star Craft or DOTA. The possibilities are endless.”

While Team Liquid’s players all declined to comment, other pro-players were less than pleased. “F***ing bots get jobs now?” was StanCifka of Misfits reaction to the news.

“Really, why how’s it even a PvP game without players?” was Pavel’s remark.

However, a spokesman of Misfits stated only, “We are monitoring Team Liquid’s acquisition of a player with only an upfront cost and no salary requirements and will judge the direction based upon the situation as it develops.”

Army Announces Program to use Video Games to teach Soldiers Combat Skills

by P.N. Guinn

Lt. Gen. Fogey, commander of the Innovative Training Command, announced today that the US Army was implementing a program to use video games to train soldiers for more real life situations. The program comes on the heels of a similar program utilized by the US Marine Corps. When asked, LtGen Fogey confirmed it had been his inspiration, “I thought, if the Marines can do something like that to get these kids head in the game, we can too, only we’ll do it bigger and better!”

The general went on quite effusively about the project. “We all know kids these days don’t know nothing but video games. H***, they say they do more video games than fighting on the front line now!” He then laughed and added, “Wait till we drop them inKorea, though. Then they’ll stop thinking it’s a game.”

Per the formal press release that accompanied the announcement provides further details. According to the press release, the Army has contracted with Alienware, a Florida based Dell Computer subsidiary, to purchased 500 computers for a total price of $2.3 million. They also had contracted game designers Firaxis Games, a Maryland based game developer famous for its strategy game X-Com, and Infinity Ward, a California based game developer famous for its Call of Duty franchise. Per the contract, the Army had paid Firaxis $4.2 million for a strategy game and Infinity Ward $5.9 million for a first person shooter.

An Alienware spokesman stated the army had a very exacting standard, but they were more than happy to provide the services for the “good of our troops and nation.” They detailed how they had to work through a very exacting testing phase. “Unfortunately, there was a cost overrun, but we were able to finally get them the right machines for them.”

An Infinity Ward spokesman stated, “We are extremely please to provide support for our soldiers. As we all know, we have been at the forefront of creating high quality games. This project took thousands of man hours, and we had some cost overruns. However, we believe that ultimately this will be a very unique product for our troops to help train them.” They released the following screen shot of actual training in game:

A Firaxis spokeswoman said, “While we are new to government contracting, it is our honor to serve our troops. We had to burn some midnight oil, and some of the Army’s desired features were more costly than we had originally imagined, but in the end, we are very proud of the product we have produced.” They too released a screen shot in simulation:

Both spokes people declined to comment on similarities between the screen shots and previous video games.

The Daily Rager asked members of congress about the high cost of what appear to be commercial level video games. Senator Marco Rubio, Florida, stated, “I am proud that the state of Florida was able to contribute. I would also like to point out that my leadership brought these jobs into the state.” Senator Kamela Harris said in a press release, “We of California are proud and thankful to have had some many of our fellow Californians employed in work to serve our military.” Senator Ben Cardin, Marlyand, added that, “All the work done in my state serves as a testimony to our current and future commitment to our work with those men and women who serve us in uniform.”

While no one would speak on the record, the Daily Rager did receive an off the record comment from a highly placed US Marine Corps officer. He stated, “This just continues the pattern of the USMC doing something, then the army copying it for more than 5 times the price, and still f***ing it up.” He laughed and added, “We innovate out of junk, they copy and get cheated like a drunk at a car dealership.”

Your Grandpa Gives his Thoughts on Video Games

The following is an Op-ed submitted by you grandpa:

Kids these days, all you do is play those video games. I mean, I remember when kids used to go outside and play! Then we’d all come home and watch good ol’ TV shows like Leave it to Beaver and things. We’d watch it until night comes and they stopped broadcasting.

Not you kids, no it’s all Games games game, sitting their fiddling on those things. Hell, you could at least see what’s on the news! I mean, sure, they’re screaming and spinning, but at least you know what they’re spinning about. Never good to be uninformed.

Oh, and another thing, why don’t you go out and play? When I was your age I played outside, we threw rocks at each other, rolled in the mud, and drove our cars around. Now, you kids can’t drive like we could, we could cruise but you all drive crazy like you’re in a hurry or something. Slow and steady.

And, oh, can you show me how to set up my compute for that Met Flick thing? I hear they got good TV shows. So get your keister over here and get me on it, I got some shows to watch.