Random Writings

Bowser to Win the Heart of the Princess

by P. N. Guinn

Questions have been posed, and the Daily Rager has investigated, what will those in the video game world do for the New Year’s resolution, and who will actually stick to it? We interviewed dozens of characters, from the well known to the obscure, and most came up with the usual. “Lose weight,” “get in shape,” “shoot more noobs in the head,” but one caught us off guard.

Bowser told us, “My resolution is to take over the Mushroom Kingdom, but without resorting to kidnapping.” Intrigued, we asked for details, and the King Koopa agreed to meet with us to discuss his resolution.

“It all started after my latest escapade, and I failed again, this time due to a freaking hat,” he growled, and I ducked as he breathed a little flame in the air. “And then it struck me. I change my tactics, but never my strategy. What if, and this was profound, what if I got Peach to marry me and merge our kingdom through peaceable means.”

He leans back and sighs, while staring up in the sky, “So, I decided to work on being diplomat. You know, nice like. So I started up an eHarmony account and also signed up for some speed dating, you know, to practice being nice to girls.” Apparently attempting his hand at the dating game did not pan out well. Laughing he tells us, “Crash. And. Burn.”

“So I asked them what the problem was, is my dragon-turtle like physique ugly? Should I do something with my horns? You know what they said,” Bowser leans forward, looking me straight in the eye, “You’re so rude and can’t really hold a conversation. I realized, then, it wasn’t practice.”

So, realizing he needed to change himself, the ambitious Koopa signed up for some counseling to address social skills, “First guy was trying to get me to ‘confront and abandon my anti-social tendencies.’ Well, that’s not why I hired him, so I roasted him there in his seat.” He pauses to chuckle, and then continues, “But Dr. Quinn has been working with me on people skills, and I joined a support group, and I’m getting better. See, I haven’t roasted you or ranted about how much I hate Mario this whole time?”

Indeed, he has not, which I am most grateful for.

“So, we are on track. I figure, in a few more weeks I’ll start dating again, you know to try it all out.” Bowser smiles and says with a slightly evil laugh, “And if that works out for a few months, I’ll start talking to Peach as a fellow monarch…and then woo her.”

He pauses, and blushes, “Sorry, monologuing is still something I’m trying to stop.”

He continues, “Still, it makes perfect sense. If I can convince Peach to date me, propose and have her accept willingly what can that fat Italian plumber do then? Heck, once I figure this social thing out all the way, it shouldn’t be hard. The guy is half Peach’s size, always running off to other worlds, and I’m pretty sure he’s had his eyes on Daisy anyway.”

He leans back with a smile, “No, I think I got a real shot at doing this as a people person, you know, be the new me.”

Indeed, though strange and different, we really see some possibility for Bowser to finally marry his princess. We at the Daily Rager wish him well, and look forward to covering the wedding.

Speed Runner Finds Legal Consequences to His Latest Passion.

Meet Michael Summer, a man who is passionate about charity. Unfortunately, Michael has run afoul with the law in his passion and is facing felony possession of a controlled substance charges. Additionally, Michael is perhaps is a little confused to boot.

“It all started when I heard about speed running and some event called AGDQ2018,” Michael tells us in an interview after posting bail. “I hear they are doing something for cancer, and I’m like ‘I hate cancer, and I like running!'” He shrugs, and then clasps his twitching hands.

What happened next was, to say the least, a strange turn of events. “So, I figure, hey, I can do speed running for fighting cancer. That’s cool. Only issue was, I never knew how to get Speed…you know, so I could speed run,” Michael says, while glancing around nervously and picking impulsively at his shirt. At this stage he starts sweating a little. “But I got a buddy, see, who’s in college, right. He tells me, ‘Hey man, see a doctor and tell them you can’t focus, get distracted all the time and they’ll give you some.’ But
I’m like, ‘I don’t like to doctors.’ So he tells me he knows a guy.”
While Michael was a little concerned meeting the guy in public, $50 later he
had a supply of amphetamines.
“So I take two, and start running. And I run, and I run,” Michael says, his eyes looking a little wild, “I get home and clean the house then decide, to hell with this. I pop 3 more then going running again.”
Michael slams his hands down and says, “It was going great, I speed running the f*** out of cancer, and then some guy cuts me off and walking slow. So, I told him off. I might have threatened him, I don’t know.” At this point, our interviewer signals a waiter in the restaurant that he’d like the check, and perhaps the police. Michael continues, yelling now, eyes wide, “So he gets an attitude, yelling at me about being pushy, so I punch him. Next thing I know I’m being arrested. I have my bottle with, like, 2 more pills and they just take them. I need those to finish my speed run!”

Fortunately, the police showed up at this point. A few more screams, and Michael was taken down. We will send him the link to AGDQ2018 so he can learn more about what speed running actually is, and hopefully help fight cancer…if he has any money left after paying his bail, lawyer and dealer.

Editor’s Note: Michael is getting evaluated for treatment, and you should really think about donating to the AGDQ fundraiser for the Prevent Cancer Foundation.

EA Announces formation of new Development Studio: EA Recycled

by Warren Peace

Citing success of a numerous redux versions of older games, EA has announced the formation for “EA REmastered” which will focus exclusively on redoing old games to release. The spokesman for EA pointed to examples of Skyrim Special Edition, Doom and Pokemon as successful franchises that have been remastered versions of old game. Though he added, “Doom is a bit more intense than we are thinking.”

Though details were not officially announced, insiders inform the Daily Rager that, “This will be awesome, we simply crap out new graphics and call it day.”

An executive of the new subsidiary, “We’re pretty sure we get 20% of all budgets allocated to those idiots at Maxis, Bioware, EA Mobile, Criterion, and the other losers who think they have to spend all that time developing story boards and game engines to make a game.” He leaned back and laughed, telling me, “Heck, we can do it all with half the staff, and those guys will be mainly graphic artists. You know, the cheap ones.”

Officially, other subsidiary spokes people welcomed the new “sister company.” However, off the record interviews were less than pleased. “Well what are we supposed to do now?!” said one employee of EA Mobile.

“Great, we create some of the greatest stuff ever, and now someone slaps better graphics on an Asari and calls it a new game,” an executive of Bioware stated. Adding, “Though I wouldn’t mind seeing Kaiden in HD…I mean the guys a stud…”

A developer at The Sims Studio seemed unperturbed, though, stating, “You think a new skin is all it takes to make a game? You gotta add a little more than that to make a real game, you know, like more skills and growing up! That totally makes for a new experience. They can’t touch this, so we’re good.”

Selfie Dismissed due to Sexual Harassment

The internet, specifically Reddit, has been rife with discussion and rumors about League of Legends player Selfie and why he is now free agent. Now the Daily Rager has been informed by sources that wish to remain anonymous that Selfie was released from C9 due to allegations of sexual harassment. Our sources tell us that both Wiggily and Keith reported to C9 Academy staff that Selfie “made in appropriate advances” towards them, and “made them feel uncomfortable” and “violated.”

While specifics are vague at this point, it is believed that this falls about at a Louis CK” tier harassment, which falls somewhere around a “Matt Lauer” and an “Al Franken” on the new media “Celebrity Sexual Misconduct Scale.” It is believed exposure and possible lewd suggestion are part of Selfie’s conduct, and it has been hinted that “run it down mid” was used with some “wiggly eyebrows” more than once.

While neither officials from Cloud9 nor Selfie himself returned e-mails asking for comment, League of Legends coach and personality, LS has posted a video defending Selfie’s character. Others in the community have been strangely silent. Insiders speculate that perhaps Selfie has more insider knowledge that could shake the eSports world like the political world and film industry has been.

The Daily Rager will continue to investigate a bring the latest ~~gossip~~ news to our faithful readers.

The Twelve Gifts of Gaben

Merry Christmas from the Daily Rager. Editor is on vacation, so enjoy and we’ll see you in 2018!

On the first day of Christmas Lord Gaben gave to me
A free weekend of PUB-G

On the second day of Christmas Lord Gaben gave to me
2 games of Portal
And a free weekend of PUB-G

On the third day of Christmas Lord Gaben gave to me
3 Team Fortress Hats
2 games of Portal
And a free weekend of PUB-G

On the fourth day of Christmas Lord Gaben gave to me
4 dancing emotes
3 Team Fortress Hats
2 games of Portal
And a free weekend of PUB-G

On the fifth day of Christmas Lord Gaben gave to me
5 Arena Shooters
4 dancing emotes
3 Team Fortress Hats
2 games of Portal
And a free weekend of PUB-G

On the sixth day of Christmas Lord Gaben gave to me
6 toxic Reviewers
5 Arena Shooters
4 dancing emotes
3 Team Fortress Hats
2 games of Portal
And a free weekend of PUB-G

On the seventh day of Christmas Lord Gaben gave to me
7 JRPGs
6 toxic Reviewers
5 Arena Shooters
4 dancing emotes
3 Team Fortress Hats
2 games of Portal
And a free weekend of PUB-G

On the eight day of Christmas Lord Gaben gave to me
8 days of steam sales
7 JRPGs
6 toxic Reviewers
5 Arena Shooters
4 dancing emotes
3 Team Fortress Hats
2 games of Portal
And a free weekend of PUB-G

On the ninth day of Christmas Lord Gaben gave to me
9 Half-Life 3 Theories
8 days of steam sales
7 JRPGs
6 toxic Reviewers
5 Arena Shooters
4 dancing emotes
3 Team Fortress Hats
2 games of Portal
And a free weekend of PUB-G

On the tenth day of Christmas Lord Gaben gave to me
10 never finished early access games
9 Half-Life 3 Theories
8 days of steam sales
7 JRPGs
6 toxic Reviewers
5 Arena Shooters
4 dancing emotes
3 Team Fortress Hats
2 games of Portal
And a free weekend of PUB-G

On the eleventh day of Christmas Lord Gaben gave to me
11 Terrible Indy Games
10 never finished early access games
9 Half-Life 3 Theories
8 days of steam sales
7 JRPGs
6 toxic Reviewers
5 Arena Shooters
4 dancing emotes
3 Team Fortress Hats
2 games of Portal
And a free weekend of PUB-G

On the twelth day of Christmas Lord Gaben gave to me
12 BILLION GAMES!
11 Terrible Indy Games
10 never finished early access games
9 Half-Life 3 Theories
8 days of steam sales
7 JRPGs
6 toxic Reviewers
5 Arena Shooters
4 dancing emotes
3 Team Fortress Hats
2 games of Portal
And a free weekend of PUB-G

Your Grandpa Gives His Thoughts on E-Sports

The following is another Op-Ed submitted by your grandpa.

Listen kid, I’ve heard all about these esports, and I tell you, you kids don’t know nothing about what sports is. You already sit on your a** all day playing the things, now you’re going to watch others play it? What a waste of time.

I mean, really, kids these days watching other people play games. What’s the fun in that? It’s such a waste of time, when I was your age I played games on my own. Or I watched football and baseball.

So I think you kids are crazy, watching other kids play video games. Watching other people watching a screen. Why can’t you go out and play? That’s what we used to do.

Then I remember back when the ‘Mazing Mets went to the world series, that was a series of games, let me tell you! You should go back and watch some of those games. Maybe you can look it up on that You Tubs things you kids are always going on about.

So anyway, stop wasting your life watching video games. It’s worse than wasting your life playing them.

By the way, you wanna come watch the Super Bowl with me this year?

Kim Jong Un Dominates Hearthstone Championship Tour World Championship

by Warren Peace

According to reports by the Korean Central News Agency Kim Jong Un, who goes by the handle, Master_ov_te_Universe (sic), swept the HCT world championship completely destroying all “southern rebels” and “the great enemy of the United States.” The Dear Leader credits thanked himself, for his genuine awesomeness and good looks, while also giving tribute to the “Eternal Leader” his grandfather, and the “Eternal General Secretary” his father, for allowing North Korea to be “the greatest nation in the world, able to dominate all aggressor capitalist pigs” and for “being precursors to my manly and strong leadership as well as supreme tactics.

The announcement follows on the heels of the Korean Central News Agency, widely viewed as nothing more than a propagandist tool, announcing that the People’s Republic of Korea had won the “Defense of the Elderly” championship. The Daily Rager has been unable to find any confirmation of this victory. A Blizzard Esports spokeswoman informed us that, “We haven’t even held the latest world championship yet, and it’s a really weird time to announce last year’s. Plus, while I cannot confirm real names, there is no competitor that goes by the username ‘Master_ov_te_Universe’ in the HCT.”

South Korean president Moon Jae-in responded through a spokesman saying, “The North Korean leadership keeps its people bound in a fantasy world. Everyone knows that South Korea dominates the esports world. They just wish they could be as awesome as we are!”

US President Donald Trump tweeted in respond, “Kim Jong Un claims he won a heart stone tournament. Too bad he doesn’t really play, or I’d totally beat him with my Murloc Paladin deck.”

World’s Most Realistic War Video Game in Works

By P.N. Guinn

Hyper-realistic war games have been a staple of the industry. But one devloper aimsto up the ante. Occording to our inside sources, Battlefield Iraq aims to be the most realistic war based shooter yet.

The game, per the developer, has drawn deeply from many of the War on Terror’s most experienced veterans to create a realistic experience. “We are honored and proud to work with such an amazing people with real world experience. ”

The Daily Rager managed to get access to early access Alpha and it is a genuinely different experience. For example, the first mission involves standing guard for 10 hours straight. The immersive experience allows you to draw a penis on the wall, argue with your squad mate on which actress is hottest, have some “personal time” or even light your pubic hair on fire.

The next mission involves walking down a road while kids take candy and then, when it runs out, throw rocks at you. During that mission you eventually encounter an IED and set up a cordon and wait 5 hours for EOD.

We’re told the tutorial will involve sweeping dirt and painting rocks.

“We were trying recreate things as accurately as possible,” said our source, “it must have worked because most veterans we’ve had test this alpha throw down the controller and tell us it’s triggering some really bad PTSD symtpoms.”

New Pokemon Working Name Revealed

by J.K. Guise

Insiders familiar with the project tell the Daily Rager that the newest generation of Pokemon game has been given the working name “Reused” and “Recycled”. While some have questioned whether this is a cynical statement about the nature of Pokemon’s flagship series, a spokesperson for Game Freak stated, “The purpose of the titles, which is really just a working title for internal use, is to highlight the need for us all to be aware of our world and its need to be taken care of.”

However, in an off the record conversation, at least one person working on the project stated, “Yeah, it was a huge statement about how repetitive these things are.” He laughed and then said, “But we’ve added shiny versions of some classic pokemon, so no one will care and it will sell like hot cakes.”

There is little word about names for the land or pokemon. Our source tells us, “Project name of the continent, ‘Generic-Same-as-the-Last’ but that’ll get changed.” Starters project names are ” charmander-as-a-rodent”, “squirtle-as-a-rabbit” and “blubasaur-as-a-mushroom”. Our sources added another new innovation, “We decided this time we’d find a Dutch intern to read a Chinese restaraunt’s menu, rather than our usual process of have a Swedish one read a Mexican restaraunt menu.”