In a stunning turn of events, the Console Wars have rapidly evolved into
World War 3 following a speech by Russian President Vladimir Putin. During
his speech, given to the State Duma, the lower house of the Russian
legislature, Putin stated, “We clearly recognize that Russia’s sovereignty,
traditions and strength are best exemplified by the Play Station 4.
Therefore, the Russian Federation hereby declares it to be the greatest
video game console in the world and call upon the Duma and the Federation
Council to outlaw the inferior X-Box One, which is the creation of
subversive American interests.”
U.S. President Donald Trump promptly tweeted, “Putin says PS4 is best,
everyone know that American made XBOX1 is best and he’s a nobody putting it
on to say he’s somebody. SAD!” The US House of Representative passed a
resolution condemning Russia and demanding the XBOX1 be given proper parity
in the Russian Federation. A similar bill stalled in committee in the US
Senate, due to threatened filibuster unless it contained language endorsing
immigration reform.
While diplomatic posturing is normal, what caught both countries by surprise
was the sudden up swelling of rage on the parts of X-Box and Play Station
fans. Riots and street fights immediately swarmed the streets, with
participants wearing various Red, White and Blue Xbox gear or PS4 gear over
White Blue and Red. The situation quickly devolved as embassies in various
countries were overwhelmed with fans from various countries petitioning for
visas to support their favored game system countries.
As tensions escalated, the two heads of state met to attempt to settle
things down. However, that hit a snag when competing delegations from Japan
arrived, one supporting Russia and a minority representative demanding equal
respect for the Nintendo Switch arrived. The minority delegation also had
support of a representative from the European Union, demanding the Switch
Delegation have a seat at the table. This through the meeting into a furor.
The final straw happened when, just when things were calming down, the
computers at the meeting were all simultaneously over-ridden to display-
“You will all bow down to the PC Master Race!” While no one is certain,
this is hack is believed to have origins in South Korea or China.
Russians, Europeans, Japanese and Americans are all accusing each other of
starting it, but ultimately all parties called upon their armed forces to
begin launching attacks in retaliation for “lack of respect and
acknowledgement of superior graphics, performance and/or game library.” As
of this writing, all citizens are ordered to take their game consoles and
hide in shelters while awaiting the inevitable nuclear strikes.
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