Bowser to Win the Heart of the Princess

by P. N. Guinn

Questions have been posed, and the Daily Rager has investigated, what will those in the video game world do for the New Year’s resolution, and who will actually stick to it?  We interviewed dozens of characters, from the well known to the obscure, and most came up with the usual.  “Lose weight,” “get in shape,” “shoot more noobs in the head,” but one caught us off guard.

Bowser told us, “My resolution is to take over the Mushroom Kingdom, but without resorting to kidnapping.”  Intrigued, we asked for details, and the King Koopa agreed to meet with us to discuss his resolution.

“It all started after my latest escapade, and I failed again, this time due to a freaking hat,” he growled, and I ducked as he breathed a little flame in the air.  “And then it struck me.  I change my tactics, but never my strategy.  What if, and this was profound, what if I got Peach to marry me and merge our kingdom through peaceable means.”

He leans back and sighs, while staring up in the sky, “So, I decided to work on being diplomat.  You know, nice like. So I started up an eHarmony account and also signed up for some speed dating, you know, to practice being nice to girls.”  Apparently attempting his hand at the dating game did not pan out well.  Laughing he tells us, “Crash. And.  Burn.”

“So I asked them what the problem was, is my dragon-turtle like physique ugly?  Should I do something with my horns?  You know what they said,” Bowser leans forward, looking me straight in the eye, “You’re so rude and can’t really hold a conversation.  I realized, then, it wasn’t practice.”

So, realizing he needed to change himself, the ambitious Koopa signed up for some counseling to address social skills, “First guy was trying to get me to ‘confront and abandon my anti-social tendencies.’  Well, that’s not why I hired him, so I roasted him there in his seat.”  He pauses to chuckle, and then continues, “But Dr. Quinn has been working with me on people skills, and I joined a support group, and I’m getting better.  See, I haven’t roasted you or ranted about how much I hate Mario this whole time?”

Indeed, he has not, which I am most grateful for.

“So, we are on track.  I figure, in a few more weeks I’ll start dating again, you know to try it all out.”  Bowser smiles and says with a slightly evil laugh, “And if that works out for a few months, I’ll start talking to Peach as a fellow monarch…and then woo her.”

He pauses, and blushes, “Sorry, monologuing is still something I’m trying to stop.”

He continues, “Still, it makes perfect sense.  If I can convince Peach to date me, propose and have her accept willingly what can that fat Italian plumber do then?  Heck, once I figure this social thing out all the way, it shouldn’t be hard.  The guy is half Peach’s size, always running off to other worlds, and I’m pretty sure he’s had his eyes on Daisy anyway.”

He leans back with a smile, “No, I think I got a real shot at doing this as a people person, you know, be the new me.”

Indeed, though strange and different, we really see some possibility for Bowser to finally marry his princess.  We at the Daily Rager wish him well, and look forward to covering the wedding.