Kim Jong Un Dominates Hearthstone Championship Tour World Championship

by Warren Peace

According to reports by the Korean Central News Agency Kim Jong Un, who goes by the handle, Master_ov_te_Universe (sic), swept the HCT world championship completely destroying all “southern rebels” and “the great enemy of the United States.”  The Dear Leader credits thanked himself, for his genuine awesomeness and good looks, while also giving tribute to the “Eternal Leader” his grandfather, and the “Eternal General Secretary” his father, for allowing North Korea to be “the greatest nation in the world, able to dominate all aggressor capitalist pigs” and for “being precursors to my manly and strong leadership as well as supreme tactics.

The announcement follows on the heels of the Korean Central News Agency, widely viewed as nothing more than a propagandist tool, announcing that the People’s Republic of Korea had won the “Defense of the Elderly” championship.  The Daily Rager has been unable to find any confirmation of this victory.  A Blizzard Esports spokeswoman informed us that, “We haven’t even held the latest world championship yet, and it’s a really weird time to announce last year’s.  Plus, while I cannot confirm real names, there is no competitor that goes by the username ‘Master_ov_te_Universe’ in the HCT.”

South Korean president Moon Jae-in responded through a spokesman saying, “The North Korean leadership keeps its people bound in a fantasy world.  Everyone knows that South Korea dominates the esports world.  They just wish they could be as awesome as we are!”

US President Donald Trump tweeted in respond, “Kim Jong Un claims he won a heart stone tournament.  Too bad he doesn’t really play, or I’d totally beat him with my Murloc Paladin deck.”