Gabe Newell Suffers Rare Neurological Disorder

by Warren Peace

Gabe Newell, co-founder and president of Valve Corporation, reportedly suffers from a rare neurological disorder, according to reports received by the Daily Rager.  While the name of this disorder is unknown (mainly due to the author this piece not being able to spell it. -ed) it apparently effect the area of the brain that is responsible for numbers and counting.  The condition is apparently genetically based, and effects only 2 out 222 million people.

The Daily Rager consulted with a neurologist to discuss the condition.  Though initially reluctant, Dr. Praxis agreed to provide information to us after we purchased him 4 beers at the West Side Brewery.  According to Dr. Praxis the disorder’s effect on the brain is to limit the brain’s ability to process any number after 2.  Outside of this highly unusual disability, it has no known other effect.  In fact, Dr Praxis informs us that it may actually be one of the least interesting of neurological disorders, and he went on to give us an indepth description of some really “freaky s**t” that is not relevant to this report.

We reached out to parties close to Newell and were able to speak to his former partner, Mike Harrington.  Mr. Harrington stated, “I always enjoyed work with [Mr. Newell] but it was always weird that he could not see beyond the second step  in things.”  Mr. Harrington also emphasized that this quirk extended beyond his professional life, and we speculate may have been a source of tension between the two and why he ended up leaving Valve to pursue other interests.

We also spoke to Scott Lynch, COO of Valve.  While he refused to comment directly on the alleged condition, he stated “Gabe is one of my favorite people to work with…it is unfortunate that any time we suggest a 3rd edition of a title he flies into a rage and ends up doing a WWE style power bomb on someone, but hey, that’s why we keep interns around, you know?”  He denies any attempts to oust Mr. Newell saying, “You don’t kill the goose that lays the gold egg just because it’s got a broken wing!  And, well, you know he owns this company right?”

When we called Mr. Newell his only statement, was “What?  I can’t hear you over the sound of all this money pouring in!  Call back after the Steam sale.”